Back at the Starting Gate: The Foreign Service Written Exam

Took the Foreign Service Written Exam this morning. Feel that I did not pass. The thing is, I actually studied for it this time.

(Last year, I did a little crash studying in geography and American history. Otherwise, did nothing. And when I took the test, I was worried 'cause I found it too easy. I was sure I'd missed something.)

I studied hard. Bought some apps on the iTunes store for U.S. and European history and studied like my life depended on it. Sat down to the test this morning and felt like I didn't know a darn thing. Question after question I left blank, promising myself I'd go back to it, hoping that by the time I did, my mind would've woken up and the "right" answer would present itself.

And that essay! Oh, my stars! Talk about a bunch of discombobulated logic! I really embarrassed myself.

I'm very disappointed in myself. That, actually, is an understatement.

What made the difference? Why was taking last year's test so easy?

Two things: First, I had no idea what I was getting into. I expected to fail. I took the test because I had always wanted to sit for the Foreign Service. However, I had no hope of actually passing. You could've knocked me over with a feather when I found out that I did. Having gotten so close to a dream I never had a hope of realizing, this year's test meant a lot to me. Maybe, too much.

But that still wasn't the main difference.

The main thing that made the difference was the fact that I stopped reading the newspaper. When I took the test last year, I was addicted--addicted to the New York Times, that is. I would spend three, four hours a day reading it online. I couldn't get enough of it. I read it because the stories were fascinating and because it was a way out of a life that was otherwise wanting in stimulation. Then I decided that I had gotten way too dependent on the paper. I needed to stop, face up to my own life, and stop I did. In retrospect, I see that that was a mistake. I've started reading the paper again. Oh, not every day, and not three hours at a time. But I do read it again, and feel as though I'm coming home.

I guess I'll be finishing this post with the same question posed in the last one. Will I take the test again? Probably. I was and am upset by my performance today, so I want to rectify it. But I also enjoy the test. Call me a nerd if you want to. I don't care. The test is fun--especially if you just don't care--or don't let yourself care too much.