Slightly Obsessive, You Say?

The Shadow Register was quiet all last week. No one reported any (second-round) offers. I waited and waited and then on Friday checked my rankings again to see if there had been any movement. Well, yes, there had been. I'd moved up -- by exactly one slot.

Grrrr! Teeth-grinding time.

ONE SLOT??? What does that mean? 

Could it be that only one new acceptance had come in since the last time I checked (an entire week earlier)? Or could it be that the overly-busy folks at State simply hadn't had the time to update the Register?

In late May, my rank was 27. Checked two days after the first round of offers went out, my rank came in at 19 and therefore reflected at least eight acceptances. The latest rank of 18 would make it nine. That leaves a lot of offers (publicly) unaccounted for. And that could mean the possibility of more offers,  couldn't it? 

Oh, tell me it would!

I want to think positively. I want to be confident. I want to hold my chin up high and keep a stiff upper lip! And there have certainly been moments when I've managed to do exactly that. But please note that I said "moments." Not minutes, or even seconds, but moments. The rest of the time I try not to think about it. As a matter-of-fact, I spend an inordinate amount of time trying not to think about it. It's exhausting.

This business of sitting on the Registers is ...  well, it can certainly tinker with your sanity, can't it? For example, if you're like me, then you don't consider yourself particularly adept with an Excel spreadsheet. But you suddenly find yourself very adept at designing fairly complicated formulas and charts to track your progress on the Register. You assign a green zone and an orange zone and a red zone to the rankings -- those ranges where you're most "likely" (or unlikely) to get the call. And you scour the board for rankings related to previous offers, then double check the dates to make sure those numbers don't reflect a different time, a different reality -- that they're still relevant to your situation, to right now. You do all that and plug it all in and admire your pretty handiwork and then ... 

Well, then you collapse. You realize that you can do all the calculating you want, but unless you're ranked in the single digits, you can't be sure of anything. Even then, your optimism is affected by an awareness that you're incredibly vulnerable to a host of factors beyond your control.

So how am I feeling today, at this moment? Optimistic, I'd say. Irrationally, perhaps, but still happily.

We'll see. This week should provide definitive answers.